Mom and Dad,
We need to talk! Today I shared my soul to my teacher because I feel as though she listens and actually cares about me, what I think, and how I feel. When I speak, she listens. My thoughts about the past, my present thoughts, my dreams for the future, and my aspirations seem to matter to her. She listens. When my work is mediocre and I am trying to explain why, she listens. When my boyfriend hurt me and broke my heart, she listened. The day I walked into class in anger because of a poor grade on my math test, she listened. So, I guess what I am saying here is that I have found someone who hears what I am saying. No matter how trivial the matter may seem, she listens.
It has been a long year, and yes I recognize the impact of COVID-19. I know that as parents you want the best for me. I am not minimizing your role in my life. I have needs that you overlook or may not deem worthy of attention, but that doesn’t make the need go away. If you would take a few minutes to read this letter in its entirety, you might understand me a little better.
Today, I walked into class excited about Prom and Spring Break. It’s the typical teenage stuff, but we spent 20 minutes of class discussing our dates, our friends, our plans. We were giddy about where we were meeting with our friends for Prom dinner. Sounds silly, but we were hyped. The excitement in the air made me realize that memories were being made. The pictures of dresses and tuxedos are pouring in via phone, and the “oohs” and “ahs” are echoed around the room. It’s an energetic space where we talk about proper protocol, respect, and good decision-making. Mom and Dad, I wish you could hear the excitement.
In my excitement, I said to my teacher, “You know more about me than my mother and father!” As I reflect on this comment, I am sadden by the truth of it. Then I imagine how I would feel if my child felt closer to a stranger, a teacher, or a friend than he/she did to me. So I asked myself, “Why?” The one answer that continued to appear was that my parents don’t listen or hear me.
There are things I need from you, and a long lecture is not one of those things. Both of you tell me that you trust me, but as soon as I leave the house you go through my room looking for contraband or incriminating evidence that I am doing something wrong. You interrogate me about all of my friends, especially the ones that don’t fit your expectations. Here’s the problem, you think all of my friends should be of the same race and socio-economic status. The very friends that you would select for me are the ones who insult me, call me names, treat me and others as inferior. They don’t like me just because we live in the same neighborhood. So when I come to you to explain why I don’t fit in with the teens in our neighborhood, hear what I have to say instead of accusing me of being standoffish and arrogant. Understand my definition of real friendship. Meet my friends in all of their authenticity. Get to know the person beyond the outer appearance. Trust that you have taught me to be a good judge of character.
When I do something wrong, or I don’t make the grade that you expect, stop yelling! Yelling doesn’t serve as a motivator to make me do better. It makes me tense and angry. It makes me feel like you think so little of me that I just shut down, and you all become the last people that I care to talk to about anything. Sometimes it would be better if you asked me what is happening in my life that’s distracting me from making a better grade. Ask me if I am having difficulty with the material. Make suggestions and help me walk through the situation.
Mom and Dad, I realize that you were once a teenagers, but understand that your world was a lot different from today’s world. The way that you may have handled a problem is not necessarily the way that it’s done today. We live in an age of technology, and there are so many social media platforms that work for and against us.
Matters of the heart are never easy. If I have a girlfriend/boyfriend problem, don’t be dismissive and say it’s “puppy love” or it’s just “a phase.” Cliches like “this too shall pass” or “you don’t know what love is” exacerbates an already hurtful situation and heart condition. Remember that at this moment, my heart is the most important thing in this space. Don’t ridicule me, laugh at me, or sit around with family and friends making jokes at my expense. Whether you mean it or not, it hurts. When I say something to you about it, you become defensive and dismissive. You’re not hearing me.
One more thing. If you see a change in my physical, mental, and emotional state, do not overlook it. Ask questions. Don’t accept “I’m fine.” Talk to me. Help me.
Please understand that I want to be able to talk to you about any and everything. I know that I will mess up. I know that I will make mistakes. I know that as parents, there will be times when I may be put on restriction. Talk to me and tell me why and the lesson that you hope I learn from it. Talking and listening begins here with us. It is the difference in the kind of spouse and parent that I will become. I am following your lead. It starts with communication. I am watching your relationships with friends and family, but I am also watching your relationship with one another. I am watching to see if you listen to each other and those around you.
Mom and Dad, thank you for reading this letter. I hope that you are listening and that this is a new start for better communication.
With love,
Your Child
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