(Ecclesiastes 3:1, 7)
“I am sorry for your loss!”
That one expression of condolence is followed by a barrage of other inappropriate, thoughtless, and less than compassionate comments to someone who is experiencing hurt and loss.
“What happened?”
“Has she/he been sick?”
“Was this unexpected?”
“Was it COVID-19?”
“Did she/he have some underlying health condition?”
“Are you sure?”
“Is there more to this than you’re saying?”
“What were his/her last words?”
As if these questions are not invasive enough, people decide that they have the magic formula on how to grieve and how long it should take. And let us not forget that when all else fails, people have a scripture verse for the occasion (and so many times these verses are taken out of context). My question is WHY?
Why do we feel that we must quote scripture? Why can’t “I’m sorry for your loss, and I am here for you or I will continue to pray for you and your family” be enough? Why must we pretend that we have close personal ties to individuals when we haven’t seen or spoken to them in years? Why do we intrude in spaces where our presence isn’t needed or welcomed? Why do we insist on making this time about what is happening in our own lives? Why do we act as though we are the experts in the situation because we have experienced a similar situation? WHY?
SILENCE is sometimes enough. SILENCE is sometimes what is needed. SILENCE is sometimes welcomed. SILENCE… no words, just presence.
When our family or friends experience tragic situations, we want to help and to comfort them. But, we tend to forget that comfort is not always found in words. It is okay if we have nothing to say or don’t know what to say. A hug will suffice. Being in the same room watching television or just listening will suffice. We don’t have to fill the silence.
In the past year, I have lost a former roommate, classmate, and friend. I have friends who have lost family members in horrific and unexpected ways. In these scenarios, I have watched and listened as well-wishers say things that are meant to be comforting, but somehow the comments become hurtful and inappropriate. I have attended celebration services where attendees will corner a family member to try to get the details of what really happened. It is on these occasions that I have surmised that there are three different types of people that attend homegoing services:
1. Family – These are the close and distant relatives that have maintained a relationship and a closeness to the family that has suffered loss.
2. Friends – These are the people that have a relationship and history with the individual and/or the family. Friends are the people who will work behind the scenes to assist with arrangements and logistics, listen to grieving friends, or give suggestions to those who want to do something for the family. These are the people that show up to lend emotional, spiritual, and mental support.
3. Spectators – This group comes out of the woodwork to see and hear what’s going on during this difficult time. These people have no real ties to the individual or family nor have they spoken to them in years.
So again, WHY?
Do we act this way because we are trying to make a mark on a checklist? Are we trying to be seen by everyone as the do-gooder? Are we just nosey and want something to speculate and gossip about on social media or over dinner with friends? Can our actions be to assuage our guilt over an unresolved dispute? Or do we just have a need to showboat?
Consider which person you are that attends the homegoing service. Then consider the following ways that you can be of help to a friend or family member that is experiencing great pain and loss.
- Don’t immediately start quoting scripture.
- Don’t ask for the intimate details about the individual’s death.
- Don’t tell a person how to grieve and how long to grieve.
- Don’t tell them about what’s going on in your life.
- Don’t start false rumors or start speculating about what you don’t know.
- Remember if there is a story to tell, it is not your story (you may not need to know).
- Don’t corner family members at the service to inquire.
- Don’t say things that are supposedly well-meaning because the silence makes you uncomfortable.
- Don’t intrude in spaces that weren’t designed for you.
- When you don’t know what to say, lend support in actions, not words.
- Don’t make a scene where you become the center of attention.
- Don’t expect family friends to give you intimate details about anything.
- Remember, there is nothing greater than prayer!
The most important fact that we all need to remember if we find ourselves in a situation like this: It Is Not About You!!
Please be gentle and supportive in your actions. Let it come from the sincerest place in your heart!
CrayDawg, Inc. (C) 2022
Coffee Reflections 
I completely agree with you. After my husband died, I prepared myself for many of the comments you described. I thanked people for their care and concern, and I knew most all of then meant well but didn’t know how to sit in their own silence. I’m sure I’ve been one of these people, too, in the past, but life experiences and going through it on a personal level have given me much of the perspective you’ve shared. I’ve learned to be more comfortable in the silence. I wish it hadn’t taken me this long to figure it out.
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I am sure that I have been one of those people too! However, when it hits home and you are on the receiving end, you become very cognizant of comments. I wish that I had figured it a long time ago also.
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